


The Legendary Sucker

by lesbonaruto



Category: Naruto
Genre: (she is btw), BAMF Tsunade (Naruto), Gen, Girl Power, Joke Fic (kinda), Women Being Awesome, actually it started out with a claim that tsunade was the strongest sannin and spiraled from there, and she's strong as hell, fuck the third hokage, fuck yeah tsunade, its started out like that anyway, just tsunade going on a kill bill rampage, justice getting served, sarutobi sucked, she's the only valid one, tsunade just... goes out and takes out the entire akatsuki, tsunade: "i'm about to end this whole man's career", uchiha massacre resolution (kinda), why?? did kishimoto say that she was the weakest? why do you do this to all your female characters??, women kicking ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 11:03:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21014720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbonaruto/pseuds/lesbonaruto
Summary: Tsunade is the strongest sannin, and she's ready to prove it. AKA the one where Tsunade gets fed up with Jiraiya, so she beats Pain and everyone else in the Akatsuki, and then goes to find Orochimaru to settle things.





	The Legendary Sucker

Tsunade cursed Sarutobi for the mess he had left her in. Some sensei he turned out to be. She pushed aside the file she was working on and let her head collapse onto the Hokage desk as exhaustion overtook her. Even more evidence was coming in on the Uchiha case; she’d been piecing together redacted reports all day. Unfortunately, she’d made it through the last of her booze and had no idea where Shizune had hidden the rest. Damn her, trying to be responsible at a time like this!

Her head was swimming with the treasonous documents detailing Danzo’s handiwork. She needed a break to let off some steam. At that moment, an orange frog appeared on her windowsill with a note attached to its head. The frog spoke, it’s deep gravelly voice not matching it’s tiny body. 

“Message from the Jiraiya-sama, Lady Tsunade.”

She waved it in impatiently. “Yes, I see that. What have you got for me?” He deposited the note on her desk with gravitas. Tsunade blearily peered at the manuscript with tired eyes. In a second, she was wide awake. She read the letter again. And again. She read every line with scrutinizing eyes, trying to let the meaning of it sink in. The more she reread, the more the anger boiled up. 

“SHIZUNE!!” She bellowed at the top of her lungs. Her elder apprentice ran in seconds later, looking out of breath. “What is it, Tsunade-sama? Do we--” Tsunade cut her off with a murderous expression on her face. “I need,” she spat out, emphasizing each word; “My booze. Right now.”

Shizune sighed, a lecture already on the tip of her tongue. Tsunade banged her hand on the Hokage desk, sending the frog flying off. She sent Shizune another murderous glare. “I mean now, Shizune.” Seeing that her expression left no room for argument, Shizune huffed and nodded, stepping out of the room and returning with two bottles of sake. Tsunade gratefully accepted them, uncorking the first and downing a third of it in a single gulp. Shizune began to make her way out the door, but Tsunade held up her hand.

“Wait.” She took a breath. “Stay,” she said without slurring. Shizune closed the door and made her way back into the office, looking surprised. Usually the Hokage liked to be alone when she drank.

“And you,” she continued, turning to the flustered frog trying to recover from being thrown off its perch, “You will get out of my sight before I turn you into frog juice.” The frog gulped. “Y-you don’t have a message for Jiraiya-sama, my lady?” They said, hesitantly. Tsunade rolled up her sleeves. “Oh, I have a message for him all right. You can tell him that if I _ ever _ see him or any of his little amphibian friends around my office again, I will _ personally _ pound them into the ground and feed them to Katsuya.” She strode forward, lowering her voice. “Do you think yourself capable of delivering that message? Or would you like me too send the message myself. I think frog guts speak for themselves, don’t they?” The frog was gone before she could finish her sentence. 

“Tsunade, what is this all about?” Shizune asked, feeling as confused as she was intimidated. Whatever Jiraiya had done to piss off Tsunade now, it couldn’t be good. 

“I need to vent, Shizune. Can I vent to you?” Tsunade asked in a tone that didn’t leave room for much argument. “Do you know what I found out this week? Apparently, the Uchiha massacre that devastated our village ten years ago, was all a sham. Apparently, the guy who murdered all of them did so under orders. Apparently, he’s still working for Konoha. And apparently,” at this she raised her voice, “my dear old friend Jiraiya _ has known about this the whole time _. He has literally been _in contact_ with him!” 

Shizune had been nodding her head until the last piece of information. At this, she was taken aback. Jiraiya had known? For ten years? And he’d watched as Sasuke left the village in pursuit of his brother, as Naruto left the village in pursuit of Sasuke, and as all three members of team seven suffered? He’d known that a kage had greenlit the destruction of an entire clan, and done nothing? Said nothing? It was a lot to deal with, a lot to be hiding. 

“Jiraiya,” Tsunade continued. “Is a dirty liar and a coward. How could he let this happen? My oldest friend, whom I entrusted with _ everything _ , didn’t tell me this essential piece of information when I became kage? Hell we’ve had correspondence _ since I’ve found out _ about the truth of the massacre already, and he didn’t say _ anything _. Do you know why he finally opened his mouth? Because apparently, he and Naruto were attacked by the motherfucking Akatsuki again, and he was worried that if he died the information on Itachi’s true loyalty might die with him. He wants me to continue this, this spy business, on his behalf! Ridiculous! As if I would let this go one any longer. I’m putting a stop to all of this, right now.” 

Tsunade grabbed the now empty bottle and threw it against the wall, where it shattered. “Our entire village suffered a massive loss that night, and it was on orders of the Hokage? I don’t even care if the council approved, I’ve had them all detained, I don’t care if Danzo was the driving force behind this because I killed him the moment I found out about this, but Sarutobi _ should have known better _ . I thought he was _ better _ than this! And I was wrong!” Tsunade grabbed her coat and stormed out the door. Shizune followed her in a hurry. 

“Tsunade-sama, where are you going? You can’t just--”

Tsunade interrupted her. “I’m going to do exactly what I said: I’m going to end this. I need to let off some steam, and I’ve got a diplomatic situation on my hands the size of a mountain.” She rolled her shoulders back and made her way down the building’s stairs. “So I’ll kill two birds with one stone. Well actually, there’s several birds I’m out to kill. I, Tsunade Senju, and going to personally destroy the Akatsuki.”

**Author's Note:**

> more chapters to come! I update every other sunday, so I'm looking forward to seeing you guys there!


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